Eight Resolution Redlines
The kids went back to school today, so (at least according to every morning news show) it’s time to “kick our resolutions into high gear” (or some other idiotic expression). For me, the idea of New Year’s resolutions has always been irritating, but I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why. I love the idea of bettering myself. I love the idea of making specific plans to do so. And I love traditions. So I wondered why resolutions piss me off so much. But then I realized that it’s not the idea of resolutions – but rather the content of the resolutions that was bothering me. So, ever the lawyer, I thought a good, old-fashioned redline was the right solution.
Accordingly, the foregoing is my newly-revised draft of 2015 New Year’s resolutions:
“I’m going to stop using foul language.” Yeah, umm super, totally, FUCK THAT. Until people stop wishing me a “blessed day” in their outgoing voicemail greeting, or repeating idiotic expressions like “I’m going to circle back on that one”, I’m not going anywhere with my four-letter words. Our choice of words says a lot about who we are and what we want to say. And setting up broad rules like “no profanity” misses the mark completely.
Instead, how about resolving to respect the power of language? Our words have the power to connect us, to hurt feelings, to empower each other, to educate, to humiliate, and to inspire. The more attention we pay to what we say, the richer our words become. Whether the words are “I love you” or “bite me”, let’s just choose carefully.
“I’m going to drink less coffee.” Why? Why, why, why? Coffee is a natural antioxidant that’s basically calorie-free, inexpensive, and readily-available. What an intensely assinine thing to resolve to limit. Instead, I suggest, “I will make better coffee.” We can all do better when it comes to coffee. We can google the appropriate water-to-coffee ratio, we can grind our own, we can learn the proper timing for use of a French Press, and the list goes on. Coffee is a lifelong reality, even for folks who don’t themselves drink it. So let’s resolve to do it right. That’s really far more productive.
“I’m going to eat better/lose weight.” Right, because as I try to button my jeans, I really need the pressure of a New Year’s resolution to persuade me to give up being a fatass. The reward of looking better and being healthier isn’t enough on its own to motivate me. I thought part of reaching the millennium was that we acknowledge that we, collectively, all need to lose weight and eat better. As a resolution, this one should really be retired for overuse. And anyone who proclaims it should be ostracized for lack of creativity.
My redline would be, “I’m going to cook for someone new.” Humans love to eat. Food tastes better when someone prepares it for you. Whether you’re making your children’s favorite meal or baking a muffin for a friend, just make some food and give it to someone. They’ll appreciate it, and the experience is calorie-free for you.
“I’m going to love my body.” Oh just stop it! Anyone who takes time out of their life to proclaim that they’re going to take active steps to love their body really needs to find some charity work to do. My redline: “I’m going to stop talking about my body.” Your friends are sick and tired of hearing you complain about your hair, your thighs, your boobs, your skin, and your ass. No one cares that you think you need Botox. Everyone’s sick of complimenting you out of your complaints. Just shut it in ’15 and the world will thank you.
“I’m going to be more patient with my kids.” Really? Really? Because patience is something you can just will yourself to have? Let’s just fast-forward to February, when you’ve failed miserably at this absurd goal. Instead, how about, “when we go to a restaurant, I’m going to bring stuff to entertain my kids.” That one will make you get less frustrated, make your kids happier, and will make people around you think you are less of an asshole. See? Win-win!
“I’m going to call Granny/My Mom/Whoever more often.” This one can stay. We should all connect with the special people in our lives more often. If those people have white hair, we should treasure them and spend time with them. That’s all.
“I’m going spend less time online.” Objection! Vague and overbroad!
If you’re spending ten hours a day on Instagram, you definitely have a problem -- but it will likely require more than a New Year’s resolution to solve it. For the rest of us, can’t we resolve something more practical? Such as, “once a week, I’ll set aside twenty minutes to research something that will help my family.” Whether that means looking up how to avoid catching colds, or how to cut down on trash production, or how to talk to your kids about drugs is up to you – but the idea of setting aside time to use the internet in such a positive way is bound to make you feel better about that Fios bill when it arrives.
“I’m going to put myself first.” This one is the crown jewel of pretentious, out-of-touch bullshit that I’ve seen heaped on mothers the world over. After dealing with back-to-school insanity, Halloween-costume mania, marathon Thanksgiving cooking, and the beast that is Christmas, now you want me to resolve to somehow “find time for myself”. What, pray tell, will I be doing with my children during this oasis of free time? And what the hell does it even mean to put yourself “first”? Most of the time, this annoying mandate is merely a euphemism urging exhausted and overworked moms to “get a pedicure, wax your eyebrows, touch up your roots, and take off those sweatpants.”
Allow me to say this: if you need a pedicure, get one. If your eyebrows have grown so far into your hairline that you’re holding them back with a headband, wax them. I’m all for personal grooming. But if your kid’s school calls while your hair is in foils, get up, throw on a hat, and get your ass in the car and get on over to the school. I move that we revise this resolution to the following: “When I find a few minutes of free time in my busy life, I resolve not to feel guilty about using that time for something I enjoy.” That’s it. No pressure.
