7 Douchebag Manoeuvres Men Perpetrate at Networking Events.
In my line of work, cocktail parties and power breakfasts are tools of the trade. And networking in a co-ed environment is a skill that is clearly not universal. While I have met a great many men who I truly enjoy professionally connecting with, there are others who have managed to ignite my ire over martinis. To these men, and the colleagues who have endured them, I present today’s list.
1. Sounding like you’re a commentator on WFAN. I get it. You like sports. How charming for you. You know what I like? Jane Austen novels and the makeup counter at Sephora. But you don’t see me babbling incessantly about fortepianos and lipliner, do you? No, you don’t. If I’m interested in your take on whatever game/match/championship is happening right now, I’ll give you a signal. Until then, try to limit your name-dropping to people I might actually know.
2. Being chick-blind. There are those men who just “can’t work with women,” and therefore, wouldn’t dream of networking with women. These guys have mastered the art of looking through women any time they are in a professional environment, hoping that their roaming glaze will fall on a more worthy, penis-owning target. These men enrage me. When I feel one looking through me, I mentally yell, “Hey Fucko. You’re not Don Draper and women in the workplace aren’t a novelty anymore. So why don’t you fill up my scotch while I figure out a way to publicly ridicule you.”
3. Creating an impenetrable inner circle. Attending a networking event only to stand around with your buddies and laugh at inside jokes is the height of douchebaggery. If you’re not interested in meeting new people, then leave. Professional events are not fraternity parties, and your job is not to stand in the corner with your buddies. You’re there to meet new people and become resouraces for each other. Get your ass into the crowd and mingle.
4. Auditioning women for dates. Here’s a little secret: when you’re sizing us up to see if you want to sleep with us, we know it. I don’t come to professional events hoping to end up in anyone’s bed – I am there for professional reasons. That means that if I’m married, unattractive, or just plain not your type, I still have something to offer professionally. So, if I didn’t run the other way when your balding, paunchy, rumpled self came my way on the h’ors doeuvres line, show me the same courtesy.
5. Being a morning-after networker. If you meet me at an event, talk to me. If we hit it off, great! If we don’t, then fine. But do not, under any circumstances, ignore me in person and then send me a follow-up email asking me to have lunch with you. The unwarranted follow-up email is like the business version of a booty call. Make a good connection when we’re actually together. That’s your chance. If you screw it up, it’s not my problem to fix it later.
6. Becoming The Professor. A variation on being chick-blind is the tendency on the part of some men to talk at women, instead of to us. The oblivious jackass who thinks every cocktail party is his personal stage to regale rapt listeners with tales of his keen business acumen and unparalleled wit assumes the women around him are his new disciples. He barrels ahead, undisturbed by the glazed looks on the faces of those too polite to tell him that they know he is a blowhard whose wife has slept separately from for at least a decade.
7. Freaking out over the female handshake. I really don’t understand why some men react to the obligation to shake a woman’s hand as if they’ve been handed a live boa constrictor. Men greet each other with handshakes all the time. Women’s hands, while possibly a bit smaller, work just as men’s hands do. The entire concept is exactly the same as that of a man-on-man handshake. I’m not sure whether the hesitation is because men think shaking hands with a woman is somehow inappropriate, or if they are afraid they’ll get carried away and start undressing. Let me allay all fears: no woman in the world is going to get offended by your extending your hand for her to shake. And if you think handshakes are some sort of gateway to sex, you need to spend more time at home and less time at networking events.
